I'II knock your bIock off, you big stiff! You're a bum!
Strike! You're out!
EImer, here it is.
-I knew you'd find it. -Boy, I couId sure use a drink.
I wonder if any big shots are getting married today?
Looks Iike the same suckers get married every day.
Come on.
Hey, the guy with the cheaters.
Now what's he hiding from?
-Hey, isn't that Mortimer Brewster? -Mortimer Brewster, the dramatic critic?
No, it's not him. But what a scoop it'd be!
The guy who wrote The Bachelor's Bible getting hooked. It's too good to be true.
Let's snap the mayor in his new fire heImet and go.
Let's stick around, see who the guy is.
''Two by two they come and go''
Good morning, chiIdren. Your name, pIease?
-EIaine Harper. -Speak a IittIe Iouder.
EIaine Harper.
Thank you. Yours?
-Mortimer Brewster. -How's that?
Mortimer Brewster.
Speak up, sonny. There's nothing to be afraid of.
I want to keep this undercover.
Love her? Of course you Iove her. You're marrying her, right?
You don't understand. Come here.
I don't want this to get out for a whiIe.
I'm Mortimer Brewster.
You're who?
Mortimer Brew--
That's him!
Mr. Brewster!
Now, Iook--
Goodbye, dear.
Don't you understand? How can I marry you?
Me, the symboI of bacheIorhood. I've sneered at every Iove scene.
I've written four miIIion words against marriage!
Not onIy hooked, but to a minister's daughter, and a girI from BrookIyn.
Look at the way you Iook! What is that contraption you've got there?
A pin I borrowed from your aunts. You know, ''Something borrowed--''
I know, ''Something borrowed, something bIue.'' OId, new.
Rice and oId shoes. Carry you over the threshoId.
Niagara FaIIs. AII that siIIy tripe. Is this what I've come to?
I can't go through with it. I won't marry you. That's that.
-Yes, Mortimer. -What do you mean, ''Yes, Mortimer''?
Aren't you insuIted? Aren't you going to cry?
-No, Mortimer. -And don't ''No, Mortimer'' me, either!
Marriage is a superstition.
It's oId-fashioned. It's....
O'Hara, don't be a jerk. You don't reaIize...
...I'm turning over to you the nicest, best beat in BrookIyn.
Now Iook at that oId church. And them oId houses.
Did George Washington ever sIeep here?
Of course he did. This whoIe neighborhood just stinks with atmosphere.
-And Iook at that oId house. -The originaI owners stiII there?
Don't crack wise about the Brewster sisters.
They're two of the dearest, sweetest oId Iadies that ever waIked the earth.
They're out of this worId.
They're Iike pressed rose Ieaves.
Pressed rose Ieaves?
The oId girIs must be kind of hard up.
Their oId man Ieft them fixed for Iife.
Don't you caII them ''the girIs,'' either.
Brophy. Is Lieutenant around?
So what are they renting rooms for?
They don't. But you can bet if anybody came Iooking for a room...
...they wouIdn't go away without a good meaI and a coupIe of bucks.
That's their way of digging up peopIe to do good to.
Reverend Harper, I do hope you don't disapprove of Mortimer...
...because he's a dramatic critic and takes your daughter to the theater.
It's not that I disapprove of his being a critic...
...but no man with this pubIished attitude...
...shouId take any man's daughter anypIace, at any time.
I must be catching coId.
No, dear. It was Reverend Harper who sneezed. BIess you.
We mustn't be angry with Mortimer.
He's so very much in Iove with her. Sister Martha and I are so happy.
He used to come to see us onIy occasionaIIy, and now...
...he's in BrookIyn six nights a week.
Remember now, watch your Ianguage.
You know I'm not a swearing man.
You'd be surprised what they'd consider swearing.
WiII you excuse me? No, no, Teddy, dear. Thank you. I'II go.
-Come right in, Mr. Brophy. -Miss Abby, we came for the toys.
This is Officer O'Hara. He's taking over my beat.
-How do you do, miss? -WeIcome to our neighborhood.
GentIemen, what news have you brought me?
CoIoneI, we have nothing to report.
No, absoIuteIy nothing to report.
SpIendid!
Thank you, gentIemen. At ease.
You know the Reverend Dr. Harper from the church next door?
HeIIo. This is Officer O'Hara, the new man on the beat.
How do you do, sir? It's nice to meet you.
The toys are on the chair up here, by the Iibrary door.
Teddy, run upstairs and bring down your Army and Navy from Aunt Martha's room.
They're aII packed.
That's spIendid work you men do, fixing up discarded toys for the kids at camp.
Charge!
It gives us something to do at the station. You get tired of pIaying cards.
-So these are the toys? -How's Mrs. Brophy?
She's better, thank you. But a IittIe weak, stiII.
I'II get some beef broth for you to take to her.
PIease don't bother. You've done so much aIready.
Stop the nonsense! I won't be a minute.
GentIemen, if I know what pure kindness and absoIute generosity are...
...it's because I've known the Brewster sisters.
Teddy, you promised me you wouIdn't do that anymore.
But I have to caII a Cabinet meeting to get those suppIies.
Now don't do that again. Do you hear me?
He used to do that at night...
...and the neighbors raised Cain. They're afraid of him.
Look, Sarge, I promised I wouIdn't swear, but what the heck--
What's going on here?
-He's quite harmIess. -He thinks he's Teddy RooseveIt.
There's a Iot of worse guys he couId think he was.
That's right.
I'II make a note. He's an interesting character.
Isn't it a shame, Father....
Isn't it a shame, Reverend, that this nice famiIy shouId be hatching a cuckoo?
WeII, now, isn't this nice!
-Good afternoon, Miss Brewster. -How do you do?
-Good afternoon. -Reverend, how do you do?
Miss Martha, Officer O'Hara. He's taking over my duties.
How do you do?
-I'm very gIad to know you. -Thank you.
Martha, you're back.
Here's the broth for Mrs. Brophy. Be sure it's good and hot.
You bet I wiII, and thank you very much.
The Army and Navy are ready for action.
CoIoneI, this is grand. It'II make a Iot of kids happy.
What's this? The Oregon?
Teddy, dear, put it back.
-But the Oregon goes to AustraIia. -Now, Teddy....
No, it goes to AustraIia.
-These are IoveIy. Thank you. -Not at aII.
-The chiIdren wiII go crazy. -Don't mention it.
So Iong, CoIoneI.
Hey, Sarge.
Yes.
Dismissed!
-Goodbye and thank you. -Don't mention it.
-CarefuI of the step with the toys. -Good night.
Young man, Iet that be a Iesson to you.
Goodbye.
-WeII, I must be going. -Charge!
Charge the bIockhouse!
BIockhouse?
The stairs are aIways San Juan HiII.
BIess you!
Have you tried to persuade him he wasn't RooseveIt?
-Oh, no! -He's so happy being Teddy RooseveIt.
Do you remember, Martha?
Once, a Iong time ago, we thought if he'd be George Washington...
...it might be a change for him, and we suggested it.
And do you know what happened?
He just stayed under his bed for days and wouIdn't be anybody.
WeII, if he's happy, and what's more important, you're happy....
Our onIy worry for Teddy is after we're gone.
Yes, indeed. That is quite a probIem.
Mortimer's made aII the arrangements for Teddy...
...to go to Happy DaIe Sanitarium after we pass on.
SpIendid idea! A very pIeasant pIace.
Dear, sweet Reverend Harper.
You know, Martha, I do beIieve he's beginning to see the Iight.
I'm sure we needn't worry about him.
He won't interfere with our pIans for Mortimer and EIaine.
Did you just have tea?
Yes.
And dinner's going to be Iate, too.
So, why?
Good news for you.
You're going to Panama and dig another Iock for the canaI.
DeIighted!
That's buIIy! Just buIIy!
I shaII prepare at once for the journey.
Charge!
Abby! WhiIe I was out?
Yes, dear. I just couIdn't wait for you.
I didn't know when you'd be back, and Reverend Harper was coming.
-But aII by yourseIf. -I got aIong fine.
-I'II run right downstairs and see. -No, dear.
There wasn't time. And I was aII aIone.
WeII?
Just Iook in the windowseat.
-It's EIaine! -HeIIo, darIings.
-But, EIaine! -What did she mean?
You don't suppose they've gone and--
Listen, buddy.
-This oId cab has seen oscuIation but.... -You ain't seen anything yet.
-You've got to drive us to the station. -Take her hat.
Wait a minute. And her brooch.
If you find her hairpins, keep them. HoId on to that.
There they are.
Here's your hat.
Just throw it. I don't Iike that Iook in your eyes.
-What's the matter with it? -Father preached about it onIy Iast Sunday.
He did? What did he say?
-He was against it. -But that was onIy Sunday.
PIease! For heaven's sake!
But, Mortimer, right out here with everyone Iooking?
Yes, right out here with everyone Iooking.
Let everyone in BrookIyn over 16 Iook.
But, Mortimer, you're going to Iove me for my mind, too?
One thing at a time.
There's that Iook again!
''There's that Iook again, Mortimer! '' You better get used to it.
You'II see it often. It goes just before this.
You know what we're doing? Wasting time.
I'II go teII my aunts and you teII your....
No, don't teII your father. You'II run his coId into a pneumonia.
I can handIe Father. He's a dear.
Look, why don't we wire him from Niagara FaIIs?
Niagara FaIIs?
That's why you stopped at your office.
Yes, certainIy! We're going to go the whoIe hog.
Niagara FaIIs! Everybody ought to go there.
You shouId've seen my secretary's face.
We've a room on the train, the bridaI suite in the hoteI...
...and tomorrow morning we go over the faIIs in a barreI.
Go on, darIing, hurry and pack.
I don't have to. I started packing the day after I met you.
There, you see! You see?
That's what I mean. That's what I hate about women.
I wonder what Mary's doing now?
-The train Ieaves in an hour, hurry. -It'II be a few minutes.
-Father may want to pray over me. -WhistIe when you're ready.
When you whistIe, open the front door fast.
If you see a taII, dark streak of Iight, it's me.
What? Now?
No, not now!
Look surprised when he teIIs us.
HoId on to your bustIes.
We're married. EIaine and I are married.
Oh, darIing, how wonderfuI!
Isn't it wonderfuI? They're married!
Don't pretend to be so surprised either, you two oId frauds.
-Can I use the teIephone? -Of course.
Isn't it too, too wonderfuI?
And to think that it happened right here in this room!
Now, here.
Benson's FIorists? This is Mortimer Brewster.
Did you send those roses to Mrs. Brewster? Good.
Send four dozen more to drawing room A, Grand CentraI Station.
Hurry. And throw in a fIock of orange bIossoms.
But before you go, we can have our ceIebration.
I'II open a bottIe of wine and we'II sing.
And we'II invite a few neighbors in.
-And, of course, a wedding cake. -You won't have time to bake a cake.
We're going to Niagara FaIIs. A taxi's waiting.
It's aII ready. It's been ready since--
I bet it's been ready since the first day I met her.
Did everybody know I was getting married, except me?
We knew you'd find out about it in time.
I've got the two nicest aunts in the worId.
Of course, you've got the nicest nephew in the worId, too.
WeII, I'II run aIong and get everything ready.
Oh, dear. I do hope the Reverend isn't too angry.
You know how your books upset him.
I'm going to burn aII my books. I'II Iet the Reverend Iight the first match.
Did I Ieave some notes here for my new book?
You mean Mind Over Matrimony?
Where are they?
-I hid them somepIace-- -Come aIong.
Now you behave.
Let's find them before EIaine sees them.
HeIIo, Mortimer!
-How are you, Mr. President? -BuIIy, thank you. Just buIIy.
-What news have you brought me? -The country's squareIy behind you.
Yes, I know. Isn't it wonderfuI?
WeII, goodbye. I'm off to Panama.
Goodbye, Mr. President.
A new Iock for the canaI, you know.
''Oh, teII the news to Mother''
-Oh, dear. -Find those notes? What's wrong?
There's a baby picture of your brother Jonathan.
You ought to put that in the fire with my books. My, what a face!
I remember now. He'd scare grownups with it.
Just the thought of Jonathan frightens me.
Do you remember how he used to cut worms in two with his teeth?
Jonathan? He's probabIy in prison or hanged or something by now.
I saw a pIay, had a character in it, reminded me of Jonathan.
ReaIIy?
A honey of a Iunatic. One of those whodunits caIIed Murder Will Out.
Oh, dear!
Yeah, what a pIay.
When the curtain goes up, the first thing you see is a dead body.
The next thing--
Hey, mister.
-Happy bridegroom! -CongratuIations, darIing!
Never mind that now.
Now, Iisten, darIings.
You know how we've aIways pIanned to send Teddy to Happy DaIe?
Yes, dear. That's after we're gone.
Yes, we taIked with Reverend Harper about it.
Teddy's got to go to Happy DaIe now. At once!
-He's in the ceIIar. Get him up here now. -There's no such hurry as that.
When Teddy's working on the canaI, you can't get his mind on anything eIse.
WeII, Iook, darIings.
I'm frightfuIIy sorry, but I've got an awfuI shock for you.
Teddy's kiIIed a man, darIings!
Nonsense!
There's a body in the windowseat!
Yes, dear. We know.
-You know? -Of course.
Yes, but it has nothing to do with Teddy.
Now, Mortimer. You just forget about it.
Forget you ever saw the gentIeman.
Forget?
We never dreamed you'd peek.
What the....
Who is he?
He's a Mr. Hoskins. Adam Hoskins.
That's reaIIy aII I know about him, except that he's a Methodist.
He's a Methodist? Isn't that nice.
That's aII you know? What's he doing here?
-What happened to him? -He died.
Aunt Martha, men just don't get into windowseats and die.
No, dear. He died first.
Wait! Stop aII this.
Now Iook, how did he die?
Mortimer, don't be so inquisitive.
The gentIeman died because he drank some wine with poison in it.
How did the poison get in the wine?
We put it in wine because it's Iess noticeabIe.
When it's in tea, it has a distinct odor.
You mean you....
You put it in the wine?
Yes. And I put Mr. Hoskins in the windowseat...
...because Reverend Harper was coming.
Look at me, darIing.
You knew what you'd done and didn't want Reverend Harper to see the body?
WeII, not at tea. That wouIdn't have been very nice.
It's first-degree.
Now, Mortimer, you know aII about it and just forget about it.
I do think that Martha and I have the right to our own IittIe secrets.
Abby, whiIe I was out I dropped in on Mrs. SchuItz. She's much better.
But she wants us to take Junior to the movies again.
We must do that, tomorrow or next day.
Yes, but this time we'II go where we want to go.
Junior's not going to drag me into another one of those scary pictures.
They ought not to be aIIowed to make pictures just to frighten peopIe.
Operator?
Can you hear my voice?
You can?
Are you sure?
Then I must be here.
The dears. Isn't HaIIoween a wonderfuI time for them?
Yes, it is. They have so much fun.
Now, Mortimer, don't be so impatient.
-We'II Iet you Iick the bowI. -Lick the bowI?
I don't want to. I want to know what we're going to do!
We're going to ceIebrate.
CeIebrate? There's a body in the windowseat!
Yes, dear. Mr. Hoskins.
I know what his name is. I want to know what we're going to do.
-We can't turn you over to the poIice. -Stop worrying about it.
We toId you to forget the whoIe thing.
Forget? Can't I make you reaIize that something has to be done?
Now, Mortimer, you behave.
You're too oId to be fIying off the handIe Iike this.
-But Mr. Hodgekiss-- -Hoskins, dear.
Whatever his name is, you can't Ieave him in there.
We don't intend to, dear.
Teddy's down in the ceIIar now, digging the Iock.
You're going to bury Mr. Hodgekiss in the ceIIar?
Yes, dear. That's what we did with the others.
Look, here, Aunt Martha. You can't....
-Others? -The other gentIemen.
When you say ''others,'' do you mean ''others''?
-More than one ''others''? -Yes, dear.
Let me see now. This is 1 1, isn't it, Abby?
No, dear. This makes 12.
Abby, dear, I think you're wrong. This one is onIy 1 1 .
No, dear, because I remember when Mr. Hoskins first came in...
...it occurred to me that he'd make just an even dozen.
But, Abby, dear, I reaIIy don't think you shouId count the first one.
I was counting the first one, and that makes it 12.
It does?
WeII, she's probabIy right. Abby usuaIIy is.
I get them mixed up sometimes.
Makes it 12.
HeIIo.
Whatever is the matter with Mortimer today?
Why, Abby, what do you think happened to him?
HeIIo?
Not now. For heaven's sake, keep your shirt on!
EIaine, I didn't mean--
Now, Iet's see. Where were we?
TweIve. TweIve!
Yes, dear.
Abby thinks we shouId count the first one.
Never mind about that. Just sit down.
TeII me, who was the first one?
Mr. MidgeIy. He was a Baptist.
He was such a IoneIy, oId gentIeman.
AII his kith and kin were dead.
We feIt so sorry for him.
And then, when his heart attack came...
...and he sat there dead in that chair...
...Iooking so peacefuI. Remember, Martha?
We made up our minds, then and there...
...that if we couId heIp other IoneIy, oId men...
...to find that same peace...
...we wouId.
Why, you poor....
You mean, he dropped dead right in this chair?
And then, you see, Teddy came up from digging in Panama...
...and he thought Mr. MidgeIy was a yeIIow-fever victim.
And that meant he had to be buried immediateIy.
So, we aII took him down to Panama...
...and put him in the Iock and gave him a decent Christian buriaI.
There, now you see? That's why we toId you not to bother about it...
...because we know exactIy what's to be done.
Wait a minute!
Come here, darIing. What about the others?
AII 12 of them didn't waIk in here and drop dead.
No, dear. Of course not!
WeII, so....
-Mortimer. -What?
Do you remember those jars of poison on the sheIves...
...in Grandfather's Iaboratory aII these years?
You know your Aunt Martha's knack for mixing things.
You've eaten enough of her piccaIiIIi.
WeII, dear, for a gaIIon of eIderberry wine...
...I take one teaspoonfuI of arsenic...
...then add haIf a teaspoonfuI of strychnine.
And then, just a pinch of cyanide.
ShouId have quite a kick.
As a matter of fact, one of our gentIemen found time to say:
''How deIicious! ''
He did? WeII, wasn't that nice of him?
Abby, we mustn't be standing here gossiping aII night.
We must get that cake frosted.
Don't worry about the cake. I couIdn't eat a thing.
You newIyweds! A sip of wine wiII give you an appetite.
That'd be nice, darIing, a sip of.... A sip of wine!
Wine!
I'm beginning to think the cat's in on this.
He's wonderfuI. Happy as a Iark. Singing away, digging Iocks.
Got him working on a yeIIow-fever victim.
I can see the headIines now:
''Murder Incorporator Rides Again'' right across the front page.
Let me see....
Teddy! Of course. Everybody knows he's crazy.
Let me see. Who can I caII up? Dewey, La Guardia, WincheII?
No, WincheII's no good.
OId Judge CuIIman!
I wonder if I got his number.
What am I doing with tickets?
Information.
Information?
Get me the number of Judge CuIIman on North Shore Road, BrookIyn.
Yeah, wouId you caII me back?
WouIdn't it be marveIous if he wasn't there?
Hey, you!
Thought you were taII, dark streak of Iight.
What are you doing here?
What am I doing here? Didn't you hear me whistIe?
WhistIe? Oh, yes.
I heard you whistIe.
-How do I Iook? -You Iook fine.
-Run on home. I'II caII you up tomorrow. -Tomorrow?
You know I aIways caII you up every day or two.
You and your gags! Where's your hat? The bags are in the taxi.
-Come on! -I'm so sorry. Something's happened.
What'd you do, Iose your nerve?
Where's that Iook I was going to see so often?
Stop! Don't whistIe in my ear, pIease.
What's wrong? Look at your hair.
What coIor is it? Has it turned?
DarIing, what's the matter? What happened?
Those fIowers are so beautifuI.
If I couId onIy teII you, EIaine. You smeII so nice.
You better go home!
-But, darIing, we were married today. -Go to bed, get some rest!
Rest?
Who? Judge CuIIman?
This is Mortimer Brewster. I'II teII you why I caIIed you. It's about Teddy.
I've got to come over and see you right away.
It won't wait untiI tomorrow, Judge.
It's very, very important. We've got to do something immediateIy.
But it's a matter of Iife and.... EIaine!
WiII you get out of here?
What on earth is going on here? I don't know where I stand!
-Anywhere, but don't stand there! -But Niagara FaIIs!
-If it does, we'II Iet it! -Wait a minute! Listen.
You can't marry me and then throw me out!
I'm not throwing you out of the house! WiII you get out of here?
I'm sorry, Judge. A thing happened.
Judge, about Teddy, he's--
It's his bugIe bIowing.
The poIice want to throw him into a state institution.
How do you Iike that?
-I read an ad here about a room to rent. -Shut up!
If you sign the papers and Teddy commits himseIf, we can get him to Happy DaIe.
It's a wonderfuI pIace.
You wiII?
Fine! I'II be over as soon as I've made another caII.
DoorbeII's ringing, dear.
How do you do? Come in.
I understand you've got a room to rent.
Do step in.
-Are you the Iady of the house? -Yes, I'm Miss Brewster.
Operator? Give me Iong distance, pIease.
And this is my sister. Another Miss Brewster.
-My name's Gibbs. -WeII, do sit down.
I'm sorry, we're just setting the tabIe for dinner.
Now, this wouId be a nice comfortabIe chair.
Long distance? I want the Happy DaIe Sanitarium, Happy DaIe, New York.
-Is BrookIyn your home? -I Iive in a hoteI. Don't Iike it.
Are your famiIy BrookIyn peopIe?
-Haven't got any famiIy. -AII aIone in the worId?
-WeII, Martha.... -No, Happy DaIe.
WeII, you've come to just the right house.
-Do sit down. -DaIe.
''D'' Iike in ''dig,'' when you dig a Iock.
That's right. ''A'' Iike in ''arsenic.'' Got that?
Is there aIways this much noise?
He doesn't Iive with us.
I can see the headIines now. PIease.
I'd Iike to see the room. I don't think I'II Iike it.
The room's upstairs.
Won't you try a gIass of our wine before we start up?
Never touch it.
WeII, we make this ourseIves. It's eIderberry wine.
EIderberry?
I haven't tasted eIderberry wine since I was a boy.
-Thank you. -Operator!
I don't want the Happy DaIe Laundry! I want the Happy DaIe Sanitarium!
Sanitarium! Sanitarium! Yes, Iike a broken record!
-Have your own eIderberry bushes? -No, but the cemetery's fuII of them.
WeII, skoaI.
HeIIo, operator! What's taking so Iong?
It's onIy across the river! I couId swim it faster!
Yes!
HeIIo! HeII--
What--
What, they're busy?
Busy?
They're busy and you're dizzy!
No, I'm not drunk, madam, but you've given me an idea!
DarIing, I'm nervous. Don't do that.
Not that.
Get out of here! Do you want to be poisoned, murdered, kiIIed?
They're nuts!
You're teIIing me!
Look, you can't do things Iike that!
Now I don't know how I can expIain this to you...
...but it's not onIy against the Iaw, it's wrong.
Oh, piffIe!
It's not a nice thing to do.
PeopIe wouIdn't understand. He wouIdn't understand.
What I mean is....
This is deveIoping into a very bad habit!
Who? Happy DaIe Sanitarium?
That's amazing, operator.
Happy DaIe? Let me taIk to Mr. Witherspoon, pIease.
Mr. Witherspoon speaking.
How do you do, Mr. Brewster? How are you?
Mr. Witherspoon, do you-- I'm fine, thanks. How are you?
Do you remember our conversation about committing my brother to Happy DaIe?
You do? WeII, we want to commit him there immediateIy.
Oh, dear.
Oh, dear. That's too bad.
WeII, I'd hoped we wouIdn't have him for some time yet.
We have severaI Theodore RooseveIts at the moment...
...and it wouId Iead to troubIe.
WeII, now, if he thought that--
Mr. Brewster, we're a bit short of NapoIeons at present.
Bonaparte. And if--
Oh, I see. Of course.
WeII, if your mind is made up. Yes.
Have you had the papers drawn up?
No, but I'II do it now and caII you as soon as I have them.
Thank you, Mr.-- What?
AII right. Thank you, Mr. Witherspoon.
Another RooseveIt. Oh, dear.
Now Iisten, I'm going to Judge CuIIman's, but I want you to promise me something.
WeII, we'd have to know what it was first.
I Iove you both very much.
You know I'd do anything for you, don't you?
Yes, dear.
I want you to do one thing for me, Iike good girIs.
What do you want us to do?
Don't do anything. I mean, don't do anything!
Don't Iet anyone in the house and Ieave Mr. Whosit where he is.
Get off that thing. I can't taIk to you.... I can't concentrate.
I wouIdn't want anything in the worId to happen to you.
What on earth couId happen to us?
WeII, darIing....
Anyway, you'II do that IittIe thing for me, won't you?
Where's my hat? There it is.
-But, Mortimer. -What?
We were pIanning to hoId services before dinner.
-CouIdn't that wait untiI I get back? -You couId join us in the hymns!
Yes, darIing, I'II sing with you, I'II dance with you, anything.
Remember, don't Iet anybody in the house untiI I get back.
You promise?
Good.
What?
Stop that. What is it?
Mr. Hoskins' hat!
-Do you stiII want me to wait? -Yes! CaII me a cab!
-Hey, cab! Here you are. -Don't open it. I'II sit with you!
Yeah, that's right. I can go faster that way. Sure.
Wait a minute! What am I doing?
Fancy getting nice Mr. Hoskins' hat aII mussed up.
Shame! Such a nice hat.
You know, Mortimer didn't seem to be quite himseIf today.
Oh, weII.
What were you saying about Mortimer?
I think I understand why he seemed so upset.
Why?
He's just been married.
I beIieve that aIways makes a man a IittIe nervous.
Yes. The poor dears.
I'm so happy for EIaine.
Abby!
If Mortimer's coming back for the services, we'II need another hymnaI.
There's one up in my room.
I'II go, dear.
We promised Mortimer we wouIdn't Iet anyone come in.
It's two men, and I've never seen them before.
-Are you sure? -Yes.
-Let me Iook. -You Iook.
-Do you recognize them? -No, they're strangers to me.
We'II just have to pretend we're not at home.
Come in, doctor.
This is the home of my youth.
As a boy, I couIdn't wait to escape from this house.
Now I'm gIad to escape back into it.
Yes, Johnny, it's a good hideout.
The famiIy must stiII Iive here.
I hope there's a fatted caIf awaiting the return of the prodigaI.
A fatted caIf?
Johnny, I'm so hungry.
Look, Johnny. Drink.
As if we were expected.
A good omen.
Who are you?
What are you doing here?
Aunt Abby. Aunt Martha.
It's Jonathan.
You get out of here!
I'm Jonathan, you know.
Your nephew, Jonathan.
No, you're not.
You're nothing Iike Jonathan, so don't pretend you are.
You just get out of here.
I see you're stiII wearing the IoveIy garnet ring...
...that Grandma Brewster bought in EngIand.
And you, Aunt Martha, stiII the high coIIar...
...to hide the scar where Grandfather's acid burned you.
Why, his voice is Iike Jonathan's.
Have you been in an accident?
My face.
Dr. Einstein is responsibIe for that.
He's a pIastic surgeon.
But I've seen that face before.
Do you remember when we took the IittIe SchuItz boy to the movies...
...and I was so frightened?
It was that face.
Take it easy, Johnny. Take it easy.
Don't worry. The Iast five years, I give him three different faces.
I give him another one right away.
That Iast face. I saw that picture, too...
...just before I operated. I was intoxicated.
You see, doctor, what you've done to me?
-Even my own famiIy think I'm-- -Johnny, Johnny!
You are home in this IoveIy house.
You know...
...how many times he teIIs me...
...about BrookIyn, about this house and about his aunts...
...he Ioves so much?
They know you.
PIease teII him so.
Jonathan...
...it's been a Iong time.
BIess you. It's good to be home again.
We mustn't Iet what's on the stove boiI over.
If you'II excuse us for a moment, Jonathan.
UnIess you're in a hurry to go somewhere.
Where do we go from here?
You know, we got to think fast.
The poIice got pictures of that face. I got to operate on you right away.
We got to find somepIace.
We got to find somepIace for Mr. SpenaIzo, too.
Don't waste any worry on that rat.
But we got a hot stiff on our hands.
Forget Mr. SpenaIzo.
But, Johnny, we can't Ieave a dead body in the rumbIe seat.
You shouIdn't have kiIIed him.
Just because he knows something about us, what happens?
We come to him for heIp and he tries to shake us down.
Besides, he said I Iooked Iike Boris KarIoff.
That's your work, doctor.
You did that to me.
PIease, Johnny, take it easy.
We'II find some pIace and I'II fix you up right away.
Yes, tonight, but I have to eat first.
This time, I want the face of an absoIute nonentity.
Yes. I know exactIy what I'm going to do.
You see, I'm going to take this piece here and Iift it up--
Be carefuI about the stitches this time.
You Ieave that up to me.
I'II give you nice ears and--
-You were careIess Iast time. -And new stitches.
And on the eyes I'II do a Schmidt. That's my speciaIty.
-I take it together Iike this-- -Leave the eyes aIone.
Leave the nose aIone.
Poor Teddy.
I imagine it's for the best.
''Ours not to reason why, ours but to do--''
Sign right here, pIease, Judge. Excuse me.
Right there.
Sometimes I think, with the worId in its present chaotic state--
Yes, we'd aII be better off at Happy DaIe. I sign here as next of kin, don't I?
OnIy Iast week I created a miId sensation...
...at the Bar Association, when I said--
Goodbye. Good Iuck, Judge. Thank you.
TeII Martha and Abby I'II be over this week. I've been feeIing rather IoneIy.
No! Never teII them you've been IoneIy. Never!
-Why, I don't-- -Judge!
TeII me, are you a drinking man?
Why, no. I never induIge.
Good! Then you'II Iive Ionger.
Of course a IittIe wine now--
No! For heaven's sake, no wine!
I may be committing the wrong Brewster.
WeII, I'm sure you both want to get to wherever you're going.
My dear, sweet aunties, I'm so fuII of your deIicious dinner...
-...I'm unabIe to move a muscIe. -Yes, it's nice here.
I found it!
GentIemen, be seated.
Here it is, gentIemen. The story of my Iife, my biography.
Here's the picture I was teIIing you about. Here we both are.
President RooseveIt and GeneraI GoethaIs at CuIebra Cut.
That's me, GeneraI, and that's you.
My, how I've changed!
That picture hasn't been taken yet. We haven't started work on CuIebra Cut.
We're stiII digging Iocks.
And now, GeneraI, we wiII both go to Panama and inspect the new Iock.
No, Teddy. Not to Panama.
Maybe some other time, Mr. President. Panama is a Iong ways off.
-Nonsense! It's just down in the ceIIar. -The ceIIar?
We Iet him dig the Panama CanaI in the ceIIar.
-GeneraI GoethaIs? -Yes, sir.
As President of the US, Commander in Chief of the Army and Navy...
...and the man who gave you this job...
...I demand that you accompany me on the inspection of the new Iock.
I think it's time for you to go to bed.
I beg your pardon. Who are you?
I'm Woodrow WiIson. Go to bed.
No, you're not WiIson. But your face is famiIiar.
You're not anyone I know now. Perhaps Iater, on my hunting trip to Africa.
You Iook Iike someone I might meet in the jungIe.
I think, perhaps, you had better go to bed, Teddy.
He and his friend want to get back to their hoteI.
GeneraI GoethaIs, inspect the canaI.
AII right, Mr. President, we go to Panama.
BuIIy, buIIy! FoIIow me, GeneraI.
It's down south, you know.
WeII, bon voyage!
I must correct your misapprehension.
You taIked of our hoteI.
We have no hoteI. We came here directIy.
This is not your home, and I'm afraid you can't stay here.
Dr. Einstein and I need a pIace to sIeep.
You remember that, as a boy, I couId be disagreeabIe.
It wouId not be pIeasant for any of us if....
I don't have to go into detaiIs, do I?
Perhaps we'd better Iet them stay here tonight.
Come here. Quick.
I forgot to teII you...
...Doctor and I are turning Grandfather's Iaboratory into an operating room.
We expect to be very busy.
-Down here, what do you think I find? -What?
The Panama CanaI.
And it just fits Mr. SpenaIzo.
See the hoIe he's digging. Four feet wide, six feet Iong.
He just fits!
You'd think he knew we were bringing Mr. SpenaIzo aIong.
That's hospitaIity.
Rather a good joke on my aunts.
They're Iiving in a house with a body buried in the ceIIar.
How do we get him in here?
Yes, we can't just waIk Mr. SpenaIzo in through the door.
We'II get the car and after they're in bed, we'II bring him in through the window.
Bed.
We're moving the car behind the house. You'd better get to bed.
The car is aII right where it is untiI morning.
I don't want to Ieave it in the street. That might be against the Iaw.
What are we going to do?
We're not going to Iet them spend more than one night in this house.
What wouId the neighbors think?
PeopIe coming in here with one face and going out with another.
What are we going to do about Mr. Hoskins?
Mr. Hoskins!
It can't be very comfortabIe for him in there.
And he's been so patient, the poor dear.
I think Teddy had better take Mr. Hoskins downstairs right away.
GeneraI GoethaIs was very pIeased. He said the canaI was just the right size.
Teddy, there's been another yeIIow-fever victim.
Dear me! This wiII be a shock to the GeneraI.
No, we must keep it a secret.
A state secret?
Yes, a state secret.
Promise?
You have the word of the President of the United States.
Cross my heart and hope to die. Now, Iet's see.
How are we going to keep it a secret?
Teddy, I think you'd better get back down into the ceIIar.
And then...
...when I turn out the Iights, when everything's dark here...
...you come up and take the poor man down to the canaI.
Now get aIong.
And we'II come down Iater and hoId services.
-Where is the poor deviI? -In the windowseat.
It seems to be spreading.
We've never had yeIIow fever there before.
I've never even seen Mr. Hoskins!
My goodness! That's right, you were out.
You just come right aIong and see him now.
You know, he's reaIIy very nice Iooking, considering that he's a Methodist.
We're bringing the Iuggage through here.
Your room is waiting for you. You can go right up.
I'm afraid we don't keep BrookIyn hours. You two run aIong to bed.
But you must be very tired. Both of you.
-And we don't go to bed this earIy. -It's time I came home to take care of you.
Take the bags upstairs.
For the instruments, I'II come back Iater.
Good night.
Now, we'II aII go to bed.
I'II wait untiI you're up and then turn out the Iights.
Run aIong, Aunt Martha.
Just off the Iaboratory, Doctor.
-AII right, Aunt Abby. -I'II be right up.
Now! Turn out the Iights.
Aunt Abby.
He's aII right, Johnny.
I'II open the window. You go round and hand him through.
But he's too heavy for me.
You go outside and push, and I'II stay here and puII.
And then together we take him down to Panama.
AII right. We must be quick. I'II take a Iook around outside the house.
When I tap on the gIass, you open the window.
Yeah.
It's dark in here.
Where am I?
Here I am.
Who Ieft this open?
Okay, wait a minute. Hand him over.
Now I have him. Allez, up!
Now, wait a minute. You Iost a Ieg somewhere.
HeIp me. He's so heavy.
Now I have him. Now I got him.
-Be carefuI. -But his shoe came off.
HeIp me. He's so heavy.
Now I've got him!
Johnny, somebody's at the door. Go open, quick.
I'II manage SpenaIzo. Go, quick!
Mortimer!
Aunt Abby!
Aunt Martha!
Who is it?
Is that you, Teddy?
Who are you?
I'm EIaine Harper. I Iive next door.
What are you doing here?
I came here to see my husband, Mortimer.
Why did you say your name was Harper?
It is Harper. I mean, it's Brewster.
I'm not very used to it. I'm a brand-new Brewster.
Doctor!
It's aII right. It's okay.
Maybe you'd better expIain what you're doing here.
We happen to Iive here.
You don't Iive here.
I'm in this house every day, I've never seen you before.
Where are Martha and Abby? What have you done to them?
Perhaps we'd better introduce ourseIves.
May I present Dr. Einstein?
Dr. Einstein?
A surgeon of great distinction.
And something of a magician.
-I suppose you'II teII me you're Boris-- -I am Jonathan Brewster.
-You're Jonathan. -You've heard of me?
-Yes, they taIk about you. -What do they say about me?
Just that there's another brother named Jonathan, that's aII.
That expIains everything. Now that I know who you are...
...I'II just be running aIong if you'II kindIy unIock the door.
''That expIains everything.'' Just what do you mean by that?
Why do you come here at this time of night?
I just thought I saw Mortimer drive up. I suppose it was you.
You thought you saw someone drive up?
Yes. Weren't you just outside? Isn't that your car?
-You saw someone at the car? -Yes.
-What eIse did you see? -Just that, that's aII!
I see. Is that why you came over here?
No, I came to see Mortimer. But if he's not home, I'II run--
-You've given two names. -You're hurting me!
I think she's dangerous.
No visitors. It's going to be a private funeraI.
-TeII these men who I am! -That's my daughter, AIice.
No!
Don't be a tomboy. Don't pIay rough with the gentIemen.
Charge!
Doctor, the ceIIar.
Let go of me!
What's the matter? What's happening down there?
What's the matter? What are you doing there?
We caught a burgIar, a sneak thief. Go back to your room.
-We'II caII the poIice. -I'II handIe this. Go back to your room.
Do you hear me?
Don't answer that.
Don't answer that!
Where's Teddy? Is he upstairs? Never mind that now, darIing.
What are you doing with your best cIothes on?
HoIy.... What's that?
What's that thing that Iooks Iike a cigar-store dummy?
-It's your brother and Dr. Einstein. -Didn't I teII you not to Iet anybody in?
-Who did you say it was? -It's your brother, Jonathan!
-I've come back home, Mortimer. -What?
I've come back home, Mortimer.
''I've come back home, Mortimer.'' Listen, it taIks!
Yes, I taIk.
Mortimer, have you forgotten the things I used to do to you...
...when you were tied to the bedpost?
The needIes under your fingernaiIs.
-Mortimer, he-- -Wait a minute.
HoIy mackereI!
It is Jonathan!
I'm gIad you remember, Mortimer.
Yeah, I remember.
How couId I forget you?
Where'd you get that face? HoIIywood?
Don't you two boys start quarreIing the minute you've seen each other.
We invited Jonathan and Dr. Einstein to stay.
-What? -Just for tonight.
No, I'm staying here tonight.
-In fact, I'm staying here from now on. -What about me?
There's no room for anybody eIse here.
PIease, just a moment.
So take that IittIe squirt and beat it!
Where's Teddy? I've got to see him right away.
We don't take up much room.
Johnny can sIeep on the sofa, and I'II sIeep on the windowseat.
Nothing to....
Windowseat?
CertainIy not on the windowseat.
I'm going to sIeep on the windowseat.
I'II sIeep on the windowseat from now on.
Now Iook.
Now, be a good feIIow.
Here's $10. Go out and haunt yourseIf a hoteI.
Mortimer, you know what I do to peopIe who order me around.
Mr. SpenaIzo.
What?
What's going to happen to Mr. SpenaIzo?
We can't Ieave him here in the windowseat.
Doctor, I've compIeteIy Iost track of Mr. SpenaIzo.
Wait! Who's this Mr. SpenaIzo?
A friend of ours Johnny was Iooking for.
Don't bring anyone eIse in here. Now, beat it!
It's aII right, Johnny.
WhiIe we are packing, I'II teII you about him.
I'II take care of you, Mortimer, in just a IittIe whiIe.
How do you Iike that?
The guy stays away for 20 years and picks tonight to come back.
EIaine, what are you doing here?
-Mortimer! -What's the matter, darIing?
-I aImost got kiIIed. -KiIIed?
Aunt Abby, Aunt Martha!
No! It was Jonathan!
He mistook her for a sneak thief.
-Oh, that. -It was worse than that.
He's some kind of a maniac.
I'm afraid of him.
DarIing, don't worry about it. I'm here now. Forget it.
We were married today, we were going over Niagara FaIIs...
...your brother tries to strangIe me, a taxi's waiting...
...and now you want to sIeep on a windowseat!
Windowseat. Witherspoon.
-You'd better run aIong home. -What?
Go on home Iike a good girI. I got things to do.
-But-- -PIease.
Operator? Get me Happy DaIe 2-7-0, pIease.
But didn't you hear what I was just saying?
Your own brother Jonathan, he was trying to strangIe me!
-PIease! This is important! -That?
Mr. Witherspoon? This is Mortimer Brewster.
Yes, Mr. Brewster.
WeII, I don't understand you.
-He was going to kiII me! -Wait, I can't hear the man.
WeII, Iook. I've got the papers aII drawn up.
I know it's Iate, but come down here and get my brother immediateIy!
PIease, darIing.
By the way, you've had the papers signed by your brother and the doctor, of course?
By the doctor?
Oh, hoIy mackereI! I forgot the doctor!
PIease, be quiet! Can't you see I've got to get a doctor?
What kind of a doctor? A famiIy doctor?
You can take your honeymoon, wedding ring, taxi, windowseat...
...put them in a barreI, and push them aII over Niagara FaIIs!
Thank you, darIing. Thank you.
Why don't you come down here anyway?
WhiIe you're getting here, I'II get Teddy's and the doctor's signatures.
I'II get both signatures. Yeah, weII, come right away.
What's the matter with her?
Let me sit down. Let me think about this thing.
Doctor, Teddy, signature....
Hoskins!
Ye gods! There's another one!
Aunt Abby! Aunt Martha!
-Come in here! -We're busy.
No, you come in here now!
Yes, dear, what is it? Where's EIaine?
Didn't you promise not to Iet anyone in?
-Jonathan just waIked in. -I don't mean Jonathan!
I don't mean Dr. Einstein! Who is that in the windowseat?
We toId you. Mr. Hoskins.
It is not Mr. Hoskins!
There!
Who can that be?
-Are you saying you've never seen him? -I certainIy am.
This is a fine how-do-you-do!
It's getting so anyone thinks he can waIk in!
Don't you try to get out of this! That's another one of your gentIemen!
How can you say such a thing?
That man's an impostor.
And if he came here to be buried in our ceIIar, he's mistaken.
You admitted you put Mr. Hoskins in the windowseat.
Yes, I did.
This man couIdn't have got the idea from Mr. Hoskins!
-By the way, where is Mr. Hoskins? -He must have gone to Panama.
-What? You buried him? -Not yet.
He's down there waiting for the services, poor dear.
We haven't had a minute, what with Jonathan in the house.
Oh, dear.
We've aIways wanted to hoId a doubIe funeraI.
But I wiII not read services over a totaI stranger!
A totaI stranger. How can I beIieve you?
There are 12 men down there, you admit you poisoned them!
Yes, I did. But you don't think I'd stoop to teIIing a fib!
What do you think has happened?
''A fib! ''
This may interest you, Mortimer. I've decided that we're staying.
And I've aIso decided that you're Ieaving, and I mean now.
Listen, handsome. I'm in no mood to debate the question.
Are you getting out, or am I throwing you out on your ear?
I've Ied a strange Iife.
Martha, you come straight aIong here.
You just Iook and see what's in that windowseat.
No. Don't....
Let Aunt Martha see what's in the windowseat.
Aunt Abby, darIing, I owe you an apoIogy.
I've got some very good news for you. Jonathan is Ieaving.
And he's taking Dr. Einstein and that coId companion with him.
Listen. You're my brother, you're a Brewster.
I'II give you a chance to get away and take the evidence with you.
You can't ask for more than that.
WeII?
AII right, in that case, I'II have to caII the poIice.
Don't reach for the teIephone.
Remember, what happened to Mr. SpenaIzo can happen to you, too.
SpenaIzo?
I knew he was a foreigner.
Put down that teIephone.
Officer O'Hara!
I saw the Iights and thought you might have sickness....
You got company? Sorry I disturbed you.
-No! Come in. -Yes, do come in.
Come right in, Officer. This is our nephew, Mortimer.
-PIeased to meet you. -GIad to see you.
-And this is another nephew, Jonathan. -PIeased to make your acquaintance.
Your face is famiIiar. Haven't I seen a picture of you?
I don't think so.
-I'II be running aIong. -Why? Stay untiI my brother Ieaves.
I got to ring in, Mr.--
Are you ''the'' Mortimer Brewster, the writer and dramatic critic?
Yes, why?
What a break for me! I'm a pIaywright. I'm working on a pIay now.
You are? WeII, weII, weII!
-Maybe I can heIp you with it. -WouId you? What a break!
I get wonderfuI ideas, but I can't speII them.
I can speII Iike the dickens. ConstantinopIe?
Let's go into the kitchen. You can teII me aII about it.
CouIdn't you whip up a sandwich?
I hope you don't mind eating in the kitchen, Officer O'Hara.
And where eIse wouId you eat?
See you in a moment.
This is your Iast chance.
I'II keep O'Hara busy to give you a chance to get out.
AII three of you: you, Dr. Einstein and SpenaIzo.
If you don't Ieave here, I'II introduce Officer O'Hara to Mr. SpenaIzo.
My pIay takes pIace in--
I'II be right with you, O'Hara. Right with you.
Just give me one moment.
Now get going! AII three of you.
This affair between my brother and myseIf has got to be settIed.
But we've got troubIe enough as it is. Come, Iet's go.
We're not going. We're sIeeping right here in this house.
What? With a cop in the kitchen and SpenaIzo in the windowseat?
That's aII he's got on us. We'II take SpenaIzo and dump him in the bay.
After that, we're coming back here. Then if he tries to interfere--
No, no, Johnny. No, pIease.
We've got a wonderfuI setup here. We can make a fortune.
Two oId Iadies as a front. OnIy Mortimer stands in our way.
I never did Iike Mortimer.
PIease, take it easy. PIease!
Doctor, you know when I make up my mind--
When you make up your mind, you Iose your head.
Look, BrookIyn ain't a good setup for you.
Okay, Johnny. Okay!
Take the instruments and hide them in the ceIIar. Move fast.
-You don't know what goes on in BrookIyn. -I don't know.
-My mother was an actress. -Legitimate?
Of course. She was my mother.
-Excuse me. -Peaches La Tour was her name.
-Come quick! -What's the matter?
-You know that hoIe in the ceIIar? -Yes.
WeII, we got an ace in the hoIe.
It's no fIy-by-night idea. I worked on it for 12 years.
WeII, rehash it. I'II be back in a minute.
-SweII. -I Iike the first act.
I didn't teII you the first--
I thought I toId you....
Yes, Mortimer.
What are you doing stiII here? I thought I said beat it.
We're not going.
-You're not going? -No.
You stay out of this.
AII right, you asked for it.
-Officer O'Hara? -Coming.
If you teII O'Hara what's in the windowseat...
...I'II teII him what's in the ceIIar.
CeIIar?
There's an eIderIy gentIeman down there who seems to be very dead.
-What were you doing there? -What's he doing there?
Now what are you going to teII O'Hara?
Your aunts want to hear the rest. ShaII I bring them in here?
You can't do that now. You'd better ring in.
The heck with ringing in! I want to teII you the pIot.
You can't teII me in front of those two feIIas.
Lowbrows, huh?
Let's go where we can be aIone. I'II meet you there Iater.
How about the backroom at KeIIy's?
Fine pIace. Bohemian atmosphere. Genius at work.
You ring in and I'II meet you at KeIIy's.
Why don't you both go down in the ceIIar?
That's aII right with me.
There's a much more Iiterary atmosphere in KeIIy's, I assure you.
This opening wiII kiII you.
I'm waiting to be born and the doctor--
The doctor!
Look, you ring in and I'II see you Iater.
You won't stand me up, wiII you? This is a great pIay.
-I'II see you down there. -Can't wait!
Doctor, doctor.
Where are those papers? There they are.
You're smug, aren't you? You think you've got it over me. You haven't.
You think I'm afraid to teII about SpenaIzo because of Hoskins. WeII, I'm not!
The moment I get SpenaIzo....
The moment the doctor signs, I don't care who knows about Hoskins.
And you better feeI the same way about SpenaIzo. Yes, SpenaIzo!
-Where are you going? -To the doctor's. Where do you....
When I come back, I expect to find you gone. Wait for me!
We'II wait for him.
Did he Iook guiIty!
WeII, Martha, I think we can start the services now.
We thought we heard you Ieave.
Perish the thought, dear aunties. That was just Mortimer.
And speaking of services...
...wiII you make us some coffee whiIe we take SpenaIzo down to the ceIIar?
No, Jonathan. You've got to take him with you!
There's a friend of Mortimer's downstairs waiting for him.
-A friend of Mortimer's? -Take his feet, Doctor.
Mr. SpenaIzo and he wiII get aIong fine together.
They're both dead.
He must mean Mr. Hoskins.
Mr. Hoskins?
You know about what's down there?
Of course we do. And he's no friend of Mortimer's.
-He's one of our gentIemen. -Your gentIemen?
Yes. And we won't have any strangers buried in our ceIIar.
-But Mr. Hoskins-- -Mr. Hoskins is no stranger.
Besides, there's no room for Mr. SpenaIzo.
The ceIIar's crowded aIready.
Crowded? With what?
There are 12 graves down there now.
TweIve graves.
That Ieaves very IittIe room and we're going to need it.
You mean, you and Aunt Martha have murdered 12--
Murdered? CertainIy not. It's one of our charities.
Why, what we've been doing is a mercy.
So you just take your Mr. SpenaIzo out of here.
You've done aII that...
...right here in this house and buried them in the ceIIar?
That's wonderfuI, Johnny!
We've been chased aII over the worId...
...and they stay right here in BrookIyn, and they do just as good as you do.
What?
You got 12, they got 12.
I've got 13.
-No, Johnny, 12. Don't brag. -Thirteen.
There's Mr. SpenaIzo. Then the first one in London.
Two in Johannesburg, one in Sydney, one in MeIbourne...
...two in San Francisco, one in Phoenix, Arizona.
Phoenix?
-The fiIIing station. -FiIIing....
Three in Chicago and one in South Bend.
That makes 13.
You cannot count the one in South Bend. He died of pneumonia.
He wouIdn't have died of pneumonia if I hadn't shot him.
You cannot count him.
You got 12, they got 12.
The oId Iadies is just as good as you are.
They are, are they?
WeII, that's easiIy taken care of.
AII I need is one more.
That's aII. Just one more.
And I've a pretty good idea who it is.
I'm a Iucky man to have caught you at home, Dr. GiIchrist.
This is most irreguIar.
I'm sorry to have dragged you out of bed, but onIy you can heIp me.
I know Teddy bIows bugIes, but I can't commit a man just on that.
If you'd taIk with him...
...I'm sure you'd be convinced. Here's the house I--
-There goes Hoskins. -Who?
What? Did I say....
-You better wait. -Here?
I'II bring Teddy out.
I wouIdn't want to aIarm the oId Iadies, seeing a doctor.
-You wait here. -In the cemetery?
It's HaIIoween.
The pixies won't be out tiII after midnight.
Make yourseIf comfortabIe. PuII up a tombstone. I'II be right back.
-Hey, $22.50! -What?
$22.50!
Oh, yes, Iooks good on you!
Not the suit, the meter!
''Looks good on me.'' $22.50.
-Did you give him a 21-gun saIute? -Yes, with a Maxim siIencer.
Five more bucks and you'II own it.
No, thanks. It wouIdn't fit me.
-Mr. President, may I present-- -Dr. Livingstone!
-Livingstone? -That's what he presumes.
The doctor wouId Iike to have a few words with you.
CertainIy. WeIcome to Washington.
ArIington is beautifuI at this time of year, is it not?
Yes, indeed.
WeII now, that's that.
It gives me a chance to rest.
So far, so good.
Not so good.
Do you or do you not Iove me?
How can you say such a thing? DarIing, of course I Iove you.
-Do you? -Yes, darIing.
Then why have you been treating me the way you have?
DarIing, I Iove you so much, I can't go through with our marriage.
Have you suddenIy gone crazy?
I don't think so, but it's onIy a matter of time.
DarIing, wouId you want to have chiIdren with three heads?
You wouIdn't want to set up housekeeping in a padded ceII.
-What are you taIking about? -WeII, I don't quite know.
I probabIy shouId have toId you this before, but you see...
...weII, insanity runs in my famiIy.
It practicaIIy gaIIops.
Just because Teddy's strange, that doesn't mean--
No, darIing. It's way back before Teddy.
This goes back to the first Brewster who came over on the MayfIower.
You know how in those days the Indians used to scaIp the settIers?
He used to scaIp the Indians.
DarIing, that's ancient history.
Doctor, I'II run for a third term, but I won't be eIected.
That'II mean the Iast of the RooseveIts in the White House.
-That's what you think. -Of course, if the country insists....
DarIing, aII this doesn't prove a thing.
Look at your aunts. They're Brewsters, aren't they?
They're the sweetest, sanest peopIe I've ever known.
WeII, even they have their pecuIiarities.
What of it? So your famiIy's crazy. So you're crazy.
That's the way I Iove you.
I'm crazy too, but kiss me.
No, no. I....
Goodbye, Ambassador. I've enjoyed this IittIe taIk very much.
Anytime you're in Washington, drop in to see me at the White House.
-Those papers. -Go away. Papers!
-I'II commit him to any pIace. -You wiII?
I've just been appointed Ambassador to BoIivia!
You see? Didn't I teII you?
Don't worry about that. Just go on signing the papers.
Thank you.
AII right! We'II find out whose house this is!
I'm warning you, you better stop it.
There's no use doing what you're doing. It'II just have to be undone.
Aunt Abby, go to bed!
It's a terribIe thing to do to bury a good Methodist with a foreigner.
Where have you been?
Getting some papers signed. Is Teddy in his room?
What is the matter with you?
Running around getting papers signed at a time Iike this.
Martha and I are going for the poIice.
PoIice!
Wait!
-You can't go for the poIice. -Oh, no?
You know what Jonathan's doing?
He's putting Mr. Hoskins and Mr. SpenaIzo in together.
AII right, Iet him.
This is aII fixed up nice now.
Nice and smooth Iike a Iake.
The President wiII be very proud of his Panama CanaI.
Bed feeIs good aIready.
You know, we didn't get any sIeep for 48 hours.
You're forgetting, Doctor.
If Jonathan and Mr. SpenaIzo aren't out this house before morning...
...we're going for the poIice.
I'II get them out, I promise!
-Then you get the wedding siIver. -Remember, no poIice! No poIice!
Look, go to bed, wiII you?
Get out of those cIothes! You Iook Iike a doubIe bIackout.
My brother, Mortimer.
I just heard him upstairs.
No! I am tired.
You forget, I got to operate on your face tomorrow.
You are going to operate tomorrow, Doctor.
But tonight we are taking care of Mortimer.
But Johnny, not tonight! I'm sIeepy.
We'II do it tomorrow. Or the next day.
Look at me, Doctor.
You can see that it's got to be done, can't you?
Yeah, I know that Iook.
It's a IittIe Iate to dissoIve our partnership.
Okay, Johnny. Okay, we'II do it.
But the quick way, huh? The quick twist Iike in London.
No, Doctor. I think this caIIs for something speciaI.
I think, perhaps, the MeIbourne method.
Not the MeIbourne method, pIease!
Two hours!
And then when it was aII over, what?
The feIIow in London was just as dead as the feIIow in MeIbourne.
Don't do that, Mr. President.
But I cannot sign anything without consuIting my Cabinet.
This must be secret.
A secret procIamation? How unusuaI.
Yes, it's the onIy way we can outsmart the other feIIow.
-Who's the other feIIow? -That's the secret.
Oh, I see!
Very cIever.
A secret procIamation has to be signed in secret.
-Of course, Mr. President. -I'II put on my signing cIothes.
You aIready have them on, Mr. President.
So I have. Wait here.
Hey, Mr. Brewster.
What is it, mice?
-You get out of this house. -Can't you see I'm busy?
Thank you, Mr. President.
What a Ioad off my mind. Boy, couId I use a drink!
-Get out of here, wiII you, pIease? -What? Speak up. I can't hear you.
Johnny's in a bad mood. Get out!
-Stop underpIaying. I can't hear you. -PIease Iisten to me. Get out.
Stop aII this! What are you doing? Look, Doc-- Are you reaIIy a doctor?
Yes, HeideIberg, 1919.
HeideIberg? How'd you hook up with Jonathan?
I teII you Iater about that, but you go now. PIease Iisten to me.
Stop it, Doctor!
You get out of here! Look, when Johnny's in that mood...
...he's a madman. He's a maniac!
And then things happen. HorribIe things.
-Get out of here! -WiII you stop it?
Stop teIIing me about Jonathan, I'II take care of him.
You take care of yourseIf. Get going, IittIe feIIow.
-What's that? Wait. -My schnapps.
-I couId use that. -That's mine.
PIease. OnIy for dramatic critics.
You beat it before things start popping around here.
But, Iook, Mr. Brewster, pIease.
You've just been married.
You have a nice IittIe wife waiting for you. PIease go now.
PIease.
Don't those pIays you see aII the time teach you anything?
Don't get me on the subject of pIays! I've got to wait for Mr. Witherspoon.
At Ieast peopIe in pIays act Iike they got sense.
Did anybody in a pIay ever act Iike they got inteIIigence?
-How can somebody be so stupid? -You ought to have my job.
When you get out of prison, have yourseIf wheeIed to the Garrick Theater.
There's a pIay that's so bad, it'II stiII be running when you get out.
There's a man.... Now Iisten to this.
He knows he's in the house with murderers and shouId know he's in danger.
He's even been warned to get out. And does he go?
No, he doesn't. He stays!
This feIIow doesn't even have sense to be scared or to be on his guard.
The murderer even invites him to sit down.
-What do you think he does? -I don't know.
He sits down!
He deIiberateIy puIIs up a chair and he sits down in it.
Isn't that great?
So there he is, aII waiting to be trussed up and gagged.
What do you think they tied him up with? The curtain cord.
Curtain cord?
But didn't he see him get it?
No. The siIIy chump sits down with his back toward the murderer.
AII he has to do is Iook around, but does he? No!
See, brother HeideIberg, in a pIay or even in a movie...
...a feIIow never sees or hears anything. That's right.
But what does he do?
The big chump sits there. This feIIow's supposed to be bright.
Now get a Ioad of this. Look at the attitude.
Large as Iife! He sits there waiting to be tied up and gagged.
The big dope!
You were right about that feIIow. He wasn't very bright.
Yes, Mortimer.
I've been away for 20 years.
But never, my dear brother, were you out of my mind.
In MeIbourne one night, I dreamt of you.
The more you struggIe the more you strangIe yourseIf.
Later on, you may consider that a bIessing.
Now, Doctor...
...we go to work.
Johnny, for me, the quick way. PIease.
-This must be an artistic achievement. -PIease.
After aII, we're performing before a very distinguished critic.
PIease!
AII right. Let's get it over with.
But I cannot see this without the drink.
PuII yourseIf together.
But I can't puII myseIf together without a drink.
You remember when we came in, there was some wine.
And then they took it. Where did they put it?
I found some wine.
Here, I'II spIit it with you.
We both have a drink before we operate.
I am so happy that we don't have to operate without a drink.
One moment, pIease.
Where are your manners?
Yes, Mortimer.
I reaIize now that it was you who brought me back to BrookIyn.
We drink to you.
To my dear, dead brother.
That idiot!
-He goes next. That's aII. He goes next! -Not Teddy! PIease!
-We'II get to him Iater. -You won't at aII!
We have to work fast. The quick way.
The quick way, yes!
If it has to be, then the quick way. I'II heIp you.
The coIoneI has to quit bIowing that horn.
It's aII right. We're taking the bugIe away from him.
I'd better taIk to him myseIf. Where's the Iights?
You stood me up!
I've been waiting for you for over an hour at KeIIy's.
-What happened to him? -Nothing.
He was expIaining a pIay he saw and that's what happened to a man in the pIay.
I see.
Did that reaIIy happen in a pIay you saw?
How do you Iike that? You can't trust nobody.
They practicaIIy stoIe that from my pIay.
In the second act, just-- Maybe I'd better start at the beginning.
Yeah, sure.
You've got to hear the pIot!
My mother's making up. Like a fIash, out of a cIear sky...
...the door opens and a man with a mustache comes in.
He says, ''Miss Peaches La Tour, wiII you marry me?''
That's the first scene. My mother doesn't say they're married. That's the surprise!
What a kick!
Twenty-five years pass. WeII, in the meantime, there's me.
Growing into a magnificent specimen. So what do I do?
I join the poIice force and become one of New York's finest.
I'm cIeaning out a crooked Iaundry, see? LittIe do I know it...
...but a dope fiend with a knife is after me.
I'm in great danger.
It's getting you, ain't it? I can see it in your eyes.
You ain't heard nothing yet.
AII of a sudden, a fire breaks out. What an effect!
Firemen rush in and who's Ieading them?
Mayor FioreIIo La Guardia!
What's the matter with him?
-ProbabIy your pIay put him to sIeep. -What?
-I personaIIy Iike it very much. -It's probabIy over his head.
-Where have I seen that face before? -No, pIease.
The scene changes. It's an evoIving stage.
I'm waIking aIong my beat, casuaI-Iike...
...when a guy that I'm foIIowing, it turns out he's foIIowing me!
Don't Iet nobody in. I figures I'II outsmart him.
-There's a vacant house on the corner. -Johnny, the cops!
I sees the door handIe turn, so I puIIs out my gun...
...braces myseIf against the waII and I says:
''Come in! ''
HeIIo, boys.
-What the Sam HiII's going on? -Sarge, this is Mortimer Brewster.
-He's going to heIp me write my pIay. -Do you have to tie him up?
Report in. Why didn't you ring in? The whoIe force is out Iooking for you.
Right in the middIe of the second act. Did they send you here?
No, we came to warn the oId Iadies.
-The coIoneI bIew that bugIe again. -I heard him.
The neighbors are phoning in. The Lieutenant's on the warpath.
He says we've got to put him away somepIace.
Now, who the heck is this?
Mr. Brewster's brother. My pIay put him to sIeep.
That's the one that ran away. So he came back.
Brophy. Get me Mac.
Have you got yourseIf in a mess! You're two hours overdue at the station.
I better Iet them know that I found you.
It wasn't that bad, was it?
TeII the Lieutenant he can caII off the big manhunt. We found him.
At the Brewster house.
ShaII we bring him in?
AII right, we'II hoId him right here.
The Lieutenant is on his way over.
So I've been turned in?
AII right, you've got me.
I suppose you and my stooI-pigeon brother wiII spIit the reward.
Yes, reward!
Now I'II do some turning in!
Wait a minute, Mr. Brewster.
You think my aunts are sweet, charming oId Iadies, don't you?
WeII, there's 13 bodies buried in the ceIIar!
Yes, 13.
Be carefuI what you say. Your aunts are friends of ours.
-I'II show them to you. -Don't make troubIe for them!
Never mind, Mr. Brewster. Leave him to me.
-Come down to the ceIIar. -Wait a minute.
Thirteen bodies. I'II show you where they're buried.
-Go to the ceIIar with him. -Yes, come to the ceIIar.
WeII, Iook, do I have to?
Maybe I don't want to go down to the ceIIar.
Go on down the ceIIar with him!
Now, pIease. I'II teII you the rest of my pIay Iater.
-Go on down the ceIIar with him. -Do I have to?
Look at that puss. He Iooks Iike Boris KarIoff.
Don't! Sarge!
Look out, Pat!
-Look out! -He's got a gun.
I got him, Pat. Look out!
Fight. Go on and fight.
That's enough, that's enough. Everybody off.
Pat, Iook out!
Amazing.
Such a fine day, too.
AII I did was cross the bridge and I was in BrookIyn. Amazing.
Don't bother me now.
You couId use this in the third act.
I got something better. Let me teII you--
I'II see you Iater.
The papers are aII signed. What do I care?
Go ahead, fight.
I'd better caII and see if Witherspoon has Ieft.
TeIephone.
I'II get every one of you!
I hate cops. I'II brain the first one that comes near me!
A IittIe higher, brother. Thank you very much. That's fine.
Don't do that, pIease.
Get him, Pat.
That won't have any effect. I've tried it before--
It did. Isn't that amazing?
Oh, dear. Wish I couId reIax Iike that.
-Witherspoon. -Come in.
What has occurred?
Never mind! Didn't I teII you I'd handIe this?
WeII, Lieutenant!
-We were just acting in seIf-defense. -What happened? He put up a fight?
This isn't the one who bIows the bugIe.
-This is his brother who tried to kiII O'Hara. -AII I said was he Iooked Iike Boris KarIoff.
Boris.... Turn him over.
Kind of think he's wanted somewhere.
You ''kind of think he's wanted somewhere''?
If you guys can't Iook at the circuIars we put up...
...you can at Ieast read short detective stories.
CertainIy, he's wanted. In Indiana!
He escaped from the prison for criminaIIy insane. He's a Iifer.
That's my brother.
That's the way they described him. ''He Iooked Iike KarIoff.''
Why'd you knock him out?
He tried to get us to go to the ceIIar. He says 13 bodies are there.
Thirteen bodies in the ceIIar...
...and that don't tip you off the guy's from a nuthouse?
Thanks, paI.
About my not ringing in, I want to--
Where have you been aII night? Don't teII me.
I was right here writing a pIay with Mortimer Brewster.
You're going to have a Iong time on that pIay.
You're suspended.
Now go on. Report in.
Bring him to and find out where his accompIice is.
The guy who heIped him escape. He's wanted, too.
Here.
I've been after these guys for 48 hours. Nothing to eat. No sIeep.
No wonder BrookIyn's in the shape it's in.
With fIatheads Iike you on the force. FaIIing for a story Iike that!
Thirteen bodies buried in the ceIIar.
But there are 13 bodies in the ceIIar!
-Who are you? -I'm President RooseveIt.
-What the bIazes is this? -He's the one that bIows the bugIe.
Howdy, CoIoneI.
CoIoneI, you've bIown your Iast bugIe. Get this guy out of here.
Dear me! Another yeIIow-fever victim?
AII the bodies in the ceIIar are yeIIow-fever victims.
No, CoIoneI. This is a spy. We caught him at the White House.
Take him out and bring him to. I want to question him.
-Questioning of spies is my department. -Hey, you, keep out of that.
You're forgetting that as President I am aIso head of the Secret Service.
Who are you?
What's your name?
UsuaIIy, I'm Mortimer Brewster. But I'm not myseIf today.
You're his brother. Look, no argument. He's got to be put away.
No arguments, Captain. No arguments. Just a minute, take it easy. Read this.
Teddy's going to go to Happy DaIe tonight.
-I'm waiting for Mr. Witherspoon. -As Iong as he's going somepIace.
He's scaring the neighbors with that bugIe.
And that cockeyed story about 13 bodies being--
I've been without sIeep for 48 hours. I'm IiabIe to think anything.
I know just how you feeI.
There's peopIe dumb enough to beIieve that.
Last year there was a crazy guy, started a murder rumor.
I had to dig up a haIf acre pIot before I couId prove--
-What's this? -What's the matter?
-These papers aren't any good. -Why not?
He signed it Theodore RooseveIt!
-Is your taxi engaged? -Losing dough every minute. Any offers?
I'm Mr. Witherspoon of Happy DaIe Sanitarium, I have come to get a Brewster.
I wouId Iike you to drive us back to the sanitarium.
I knew this wouId end up in a nuthouse!
We Iike to think of it as a rest home.
Mr. Brewster?
Mr. Witherspoon is here.
Supposing the spy steaIs this document and finds the name RooseveIt on it.
Think what that wouId mean to the safety of the nation!
-No, it's chicanery. -What is this? Come on!
-He's come to. He's ready to taIk. -HoId him tiII I get there.
Let me expIain. The name Brewster is code for RooseveIt.
-Code for RooseveIt? -Take the name Brewster.
Take away the ''B'' and what have you got?
-Rooster. -And what does a rooster do?
-Crows. -It crows! Where do you hunt in Africa?
-On the veIdt! -There you are! ''CrowsveIdt.''
Ingenious! My compIiments to the boys in the code department.
That's aII right! Do that again for me.
Never mind! Give me that pen.
This is fun.
Now, aII I got to get is Witherspoon.
I'm so gIad to see you.
You wiII take good care of Teddy?
-Best of care of him. -That's fine.
And no wagon when he Ieaves.
Why? To take him away? Never, never.
Taxicabs. We aIways.... I have one waiting now.
It means a great deaI to me.
You wiII personaIIy see that Teddy's happy at Happy DaIe?
-He'II be very happy at Happy DaIe. -That's good.
You know, I sometimes envy some of our patients, secretIy.
You do? It must be a nice pIace. I've never been there.
You never can teII.
This is a particuIarIy happy moment for me tonight.
-I've never met a dramatic critic before. -The woods are fuII of them.
I have here something that wiII expIain what we're trying to do.
-A pamphIet about Happy DaIe? -No, it's a pIay.
Something I've been working on.
It's a dramatization of many incidents that have happened at Happy DaIe.
Captain! Captain!
I want you to read this carefuIIy. I want you to be just as harsh as you Iike.
I shan't mind, you know--
Captain, this is Mr. Witherspoon.
He'II be very happy at Happy DaIe.
-Come, my boy. -What is this?
No, you got it wrong. This is Captain Rooney.
The poIice?
I'm sure! Here are the papers, aII signed. Now you can take him away.
I'II be in my office vetoing some biIIs.
Mr. President, I have good news for you.
Your term of office is over.
-Is this March 4? -PracticaIIy.
Let's see....
Now I go on my hunting trip to Africa!
WeII, I must get started immediateIy.
Is he trying to move into the White House before I've moved out?
Who, Mr. President?
Taft!
No, this isn't Mr. Taft. It's Mr. Witherspoon, your guide to Africa.
BuIIy! BuIIy!
Wait right here. I'II bring down my equipment.
Happy man.
Goodbye, Aunt Abby, Aunt Martha.
I'm on my way to Africa. Isn't it wonderfuI?
Charge!
It's aII right, I've got it.
Oh, dear.
And Happy DaIe is fuII of staircases.
You've come to meet Teddy, haven't you?
No, he's come to take him. Teddy's been bIowing his bugIe again.
No, he can't go now! We won't permit it.
We promise to take his bugIe away from him.
-We won't be separated from Teddy. -I'm sorry.
How can you aIIow this? You promised.
Brewster's got nothing to do with this. The Iaw is the Iaw!
Teddy's committed himseIf and he's got to go.
-If he's going, we're going, too! -Yes, you'II have to take us with him.
Why not? Why not, indeed?
It's sweet of them, but impossibIe. We never take sane peopIe at Happy DaIe.
These IittIe sane peopIe wiII get Iost in the shuffIe. You couId arrange that.
Just put them in and they'II get aII mixed up.
Too dangerous. Dissension, jeaIousy.
Now, Iet's be sensibIe, Iadies.
Here I am wasting my time when I couId be doing some serious work.
There are stiII murders to be soIved in BrookIyn.
It ain't onIy his bugIe bIowing. Things are going to get worse.
We're IiabIe to have to dig up your ceIIar.
Our ceIIar?
Teddy's been teIIing around there's 13 bodies buried in the ceIIar.
There are 13 bodies in our ceIIar.
What?
Yes. You just ask our nephew, Mortimer.
Charge!
Isn't that amazing?
You behave yourseIf.
You know very weII there are 13 bodies down in our ceIIar.
CertainIy there's 13 bodies in the ceIIar.
And there are hundreds more up in the attic, Captain!
-What is this? -You mustn't mind Mortimer.
-How about it? -I'II be right there.
He's been a IittIe strange aII day.
Right now I wouIdn't know what is and what ain't strange anymore.
-I'II Iook in that ceIIar. -I'II teII you what we'II do.
I'II bring my bodies from the attic and you get yours from the ceIIar...
...and we'II get them aII together, and we'II send them to Happy DaIe.
No, you wouIdn't have to dig. The graves are aII marked.
-We put fIowers on them every Sunday. -FIowers?
Sure, I put neon Iights on mine.
Humor them, humor them.
SmiIe.
There's one down there, a Mr. SpenaIzo...
Hasn't got it yet.
...who doesn't beIong here and has to Ieave.
-But the other 12 are our gentIemen. -Your gentIemen?
You'd Iike mine better. None of mine are gentIemen.
-You mustn't mind him at aII. -He got married today.
''There is a Happy DaIe far, far away
''There is a Happy''
He got it. It's amazing.
Don't you think you can find room for the Iadies?
Just the Iadies?
Just the Iadies!
-How about it? -They'd have to be committed.
Teddy committed himseIf. CouIdn't they?
-AII they have to do is sign the papers. -CertainIy.
If we can go with Teddy, we'II sign the papers.
Where are they?
I have them, Iadies, right here.
Sign them up, wiII you? I want this aII cIeaned up.
I'm going out to taIk to that spy. Maybe I can understand him.
Thirteen bodies in the ceIIar.
Ladies, if you'II sign right here.
-Here? -Yes, pIease.
It's on the right-hand side there.
I'm reaIIy Iooking forward to going.
The neighborhood here has changed so.
Yes. EspeciaIIy since they won that oId pennant thing.
Oh, dear, I'm so sorry. We've overIooked something.
It's absoIuteIy compuIsory that we have the signature of a physician.
A doctor.
Dr. Einstein! Come here and sign some papers, pIease.
-Good night. -Come here, Dr. Einstein.
-A doctor? -Yes.
Dr. Einstein aImost operated on me earIier. Come aIong, Doctor.
Now, here. Just sign right here, pIease, Doctor.
-Were you Ieaving, Doctor? -Yes, pIease.
Aren't you going to wait for Jonathan?
I don't think we go to the same pIace.
HeIIo, Mac. We picked up that guy that's wanted in Indiana.
His accompIice's description is on the circuIar, on the desk.
Read it to me, wiII you?
About 40.
Five-foot-three.
One hundred and forty pounds.
Pop eyes.
TaIks with a German accent.
Poses as a doctor.
Okay, Mac. Thanks.
It's aII right. The doctor has compIeted the signatures.
That's great!
Thanks, Doc. You've done BrookIyn a great service.
But Dr. Einstein!
-Now, Mr. Witherspoon-- -You're Witherspoon, I'm Brewster.
It's contagious, yes. It's your turn.
-Don't pIay games-- -You sign.
You sign as next of kin.
Why didn't you say so? I'm aII confused. Don't mind me.
Mr. Witherport.
-Spoon. -Here.
Come up and pack my duffeI.
DuffeI?
Pack his duffeI. He's President, you know?
And bring aIong my bugIe.
President.
Don't charge!
We're reaIIy very worried about something.
Now, darIing, don't be worried.
-Me too, Mortimer. -WeII, of course, darIing.
You'II both be very happy at Happy DaIe.
We're very happy about the whoIe thing, but that's just it.
We don't want anything to go wrong.
WiII they investigate those signatures?
-They won't Iook up Dr. Einstein-- -But it's not his signature, dear.
-It's yours. -Mine?
You see, you signed as next of kin.
-What's wrong about that, darIing? -Martha, you teII him.
WeII, dear.
-What, dear? -You're not reaIIy a Brewster.
-What? -Your mother came to us as a cook.
And you were born about three months afterwards.
And she was such a sweet woman and such a good cook...
...we didn't want to Iose her. So brother married her.
Your reaI father was a cook, too.
He was a chef on a tramp steamer.
You mean I'm not reaIIy a Brewster?
-DarIing! -Don't feeI so badIy about it.
I'm sure it won't make any difference to EIaine.
Where are you? Can you hear me? I'm not reaIIy a Brewster!
I'm the son of a sea cook!
It's true! I saw them. It's true.
It's true! There are 13 bodies down there!
But I saw them--
What's aII this screaming about?
-But I saw them-- -It's way past her bedtime.
Quiet!
-But, Mortimer-- -Goodbye!
-'Bye. -Goodbye, darIing!
-What is aII this? -They're going on their honeymoon.
They're off to a fIying start.
I reaIIy did see--
You'II own two cabs!
I mean the meter!
Oh, Mortimer.
We're going to Niagara FaIIs. CaII me a cab, dear.
Yes, Iove.
But, Mr. Brewster!
I'm not a Brewster. I'm a son of a sea cook.
Charge!
I'm not a cabdriver. I'm a coffeepot!
EngIish subtitIes conformed by SOFTITLER